Parenting older adopted children

I have had a lot of questions regarding adopting older children.  Most people ask: Why? Why not a baby?.  Two things: We could not at our age adopt a baby from Colombian, those are for younger people.  Colombia is strict about age.  You need to be 15 years older than the oldest child, but then if you are in your late 30s to early 40s you cannot adopt a baby.  So that was the obvious reason.
Having older adopted children is not easy.  You are trying to cram many developmental years in a short time.  I have a friend who helped me see that when you are educating kids of dysfunctional backgrounds, you are educating for the next generation.  For me, this is the focus.  Give them enough tools so that when they have their own children, they learn how to be better parents.  By doing this, you are breaking the cycle of dysfunctionality. ( I guess this is not a word, I made it up).

Here are some things to consider when adopting older kids.  These are only based on experience, I don't claim any scientific evidence.  I am not an expert, by any means. (My disclaimer)

1-Older adoptees come with old habits.  These will be hard to break.  You have to communicate well with  your partner and have a support system (therapist, family, school counselor, school psychologist, teachers etc).  You have to stick to your guns, but it takes longer to change.  Some things you will not be able to change and you have to live with that.  Natural Consequences work best because they will try to prove you wrong all the time. How do you know? Becomes a favorite question.  Let them find out for themselves.  Be careful about physical stuff though, deal with it right a way and don't neglect it even if they fight you all the way, every day.   It will come back to bite you. 

2. If they were in an orphanage, they did not have parents with expectations, therefore, they don't know what a family is.  They might talk to adults just as they talk with other kids their age.  They don't see the difference between the ages.  Everyone is the same age.  They will resent having expectations and will challenge you constantly.  Be ready for that.

3.  They need you just like a baby, but express it very differently.  They have a hard time making decisions and will look to you for help.  Some of these decisions might be simple, like whether or not they should get a particular kind of notebook or backpack to school.  They are unsure of your house rules and may ask about the simplest things, such as 'where do I throw this piece of paper'.   They have a difficult time with unstructured time.  They may ask to watch TV a lot because this is all the entertainment the household before you had.  They will follow you while you are trying to do something because they don't know what to do, even if you have tubfuls of toys. 

4. They are used to getting their way through manipulation, not dialogue.   Find out what motivates them, that way you will know what do they need and why they feel they need to manipulate the situation in order to get what they want.  Let them know that manipulation is wrong and it won't work in your household. 

5. They hate talking about problems.  This is something that middle class families do with their children, however, children that came from dysfunctional households are not used to this.  They will fight it, but you need to teach it to them.  Otherwise, things will be more difficult later.

6. They push you away and have difficulty developing strong relationships.  Don't adopt an older child if you have a need to be 'loved'.  If you want hugs and kisses, then adopt a baby that you can raise with those expectations.  The book "Parenting the Older Child" says that when you adopt an older child you are committed to the child.  Many people ask how can you love a child you did not raise.  The answer is : You can and You do.  But it is a different type of commitment.

Last one for now..

7. They will test you to see if you will abandon them again.  This is probably the hardest to deal with.
I won't go into much detail, but get ready for fireworks.  They feel they must know if you are committed and will do things to push your buttons and see how you react.  They want to know if you are the same as their care workers in the past, or if you are different.  They will try to make you angry over and over and over.  I am human, and sometimes this happens.  It is the most difficult.  You will feel you are constantly put to the test and it will be stressful.  Many people tell me : Take time for yourself.  The only time I have is in the morning, I exercise or have quiet time for an hour, and after they are asleep.  Not much different than a baby or a toddler.

This is just the start.  I would highly recommend the book : Born for Love by Bruce Perry.  He is a psychologist who investigates extreme cases.  This book was a revelation to me.  It explains why kids might not develop empathy.  It starts from the womb, through early childhood.  If you are considering adopting older kids, read this book and others I have put on the blog. It will help you get over the shock the first time you are watching a sad movie and you're the only one crying.   This book has brain development information that is extremely important, so that you can understand what happens to children when they are not cared for the way they should as babies.

Your adoption agency and social worker will not do this for you.  You will have to seek this information and make an informed decision. 

I hope this has been helpful information for those of you who asked for this.

MM